went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize