That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize