You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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