Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Randomize