he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
