I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
