guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
