I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
