why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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