Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
