Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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