youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize