She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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