can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
