My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
