I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize