Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
