I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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