know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
