i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Randomize
