I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
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