evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Randomize
