I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize