My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
