I think I won the penis lottery.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize