I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
