I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
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