it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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