i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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