My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
