how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
