Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
