Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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