Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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