It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
