we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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