I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
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