the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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