I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
