Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
