There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
