In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
