I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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