Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
