I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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