He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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