its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
