I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
