Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Randomize
