i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
