I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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