Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Randomize
