Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
