HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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