Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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