I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
